just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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