his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
