I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
