I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
