Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
