Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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