A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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