ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize