i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
