Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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