umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
