Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So many bounce houses so little time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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