remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
