Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
