Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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