Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize