the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
