So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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