Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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