I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
