dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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