I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
