My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
