I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
