I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize