3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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