Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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