he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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