guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
