Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
