First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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