i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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