well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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