Kiss
Puke
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
