I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Don't make out with my wife yet
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
