youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
