Sry I called you an 8
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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