the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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