She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
