My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
