I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
