Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
