mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
