I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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