omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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