please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
