matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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