We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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