DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
