I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
