we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
