Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
