I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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