Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
