Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
