Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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