not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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