I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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