your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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